• The Sacred Room: writes Lauren White

    The bedroom is the epicentre of sex in our home. If the kitchen is the heart, the bedroom is the genitals. What this one room could relay about the majority of a relationship is astounding. If the walls of a bedroom could talk then we all would know what goes on behind closed doors.

    The bedroom is also an exclusive hub where a relationships’ true colours are painted. When I am in that realm, the fringes of life fade into the background. Even when we venture into the other rooms of the house to test-drive sex, we always come back to the bedroom for intimacy. The light can be dimmed and the cat locked out. And my pleasure objects are the pieces of art that vibrantly lift the shelf of my bed so that the intent of the space is clear.

    The bedroom needs to be a sanctum of low stimuli. Conflict-free, work-free and food-free (unless food is a part of sex play!) The more diverse the sexual expression in the bedroom, the more memories and connectedness is created. Continue the same sexual positions, routine, time and place and couples are at the mercy of repetition and boredom. Throughout the years, we see our partners in a number of different lights and sometimes the imagination can be sapped dry, leaving us with the feeling of being flatmates rather than intimate partners that share the sacredness of sexuality. There needs to be anticipation in a relationship and separate identities need to build so that sex can stand on its own; without distraction and as much heartfelt focus as possible.

    Pillow talk alludes to sex for a good reason. It gets to the heart of why we are in a relationship with each other and have chosen to stay together. It also sets the scene for lovemaking as the words wade us into the physical manifestation of what was said. The period before sleep is my favourite time of the day. Much to the annoyance of my other, who instantly equates bed with sex then sleep, my mostly feminine brain sees this time as the opportunity to finally capture undivided attention. Somehow, lying down unleashes all the secrets, opinions, laughter and fear that line your day and it is this honest conversation that I crave. In my early 20’s, I scrawled a poem simply called Beds that reads:

    Where truth comes out, laughing is exaggerated and deeper in the ribs
    A greater life force and energy
    In dark, in light, words worthy of hanging on to and deciphering
    Memories, proposals that prop you up in the dark on one elbow searching for my eyes

    Our bedroom has witnessed all seasons. It has been steamy, it has been sullen and it has also been misused when we bring up conflicts in the midst of getting warmed up. It has also taken time and the acquisition of knowledge to change my language in the bedroom. To be aware of exchanging negative feedback for positive and to expand upon what my other is doing well as opposed to what he is doing wrong. Even when partners are adept at reading our bodies and responses, there are still occasions where a word here or a movement there lets them know what we need.

    As a Sexologist, I should know better than to encourage a ‘but I want/you want’ discussion as we go to have sex. The negotiation about sexual wishes and experimentation needs to take place at another date, another time and another location. It only makes sex more stressful when we exchange arousal for anger and frustration, whilst our requests get clouded in the middle of it all. You need to pick your timing to talk about sex and to hear the other out until the end because every confession takes courage. Speaking openly for just 10 minutes a day, face-to-face is a start. Get the daily grind talk out of the way as soon as possible so that something deeper can emerge.

    I’ve worked on improving the bedroom over the years to make it a place that is conducive to sex. When the sheets are clean and the floor is free of clutter, my skin begins to prickle. I lie in bed with nothing on and feel charged, regardless of the day that has passed. It is such a simple formula but mess and sex don’t match in my world. If the environment isn’t clear then my head isn’t so it clicked that keeping the bedroom clean needs to remain a priority. Several years ago, we banished the TV from the bedroom. It served primarily as a distraction from the real issues we needed to face as the TV was easier to turn on than my sex.

    Becoming conscious of the energy within my bedroom has seen it transform over time. I now see quality bedding as a worthwhile investment in my sexuality and ensure it runs in an orderly fashion, otherwise it can develop an ecosystem of its own. The small things, such as scented soy candles and having sensual lube on hand means that little preparation is needed when sexual energy arises. Tending to your bedroom is tending to your sexuality.


    Lauren White is a sexologist and is the director at Sexosophy. Lauren is a consultant for Mia Muse parties in Brisbane if you'd like to have one send us an email at

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